Orbiting The Blank Side Of The Moon

The Age

Thursday November 6, 2008

Marieke Hardy

HOW do you solve a problem like Bert Newton? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? I hum that damned song every time I catch a glimpse of ol' Moonface and his ever-expanding landmass of a head on the box, which, it must be said, is increasingly rare these days.

(I swear his head is getting bigger. Maybe it's something to do with global warming and one day soon his earlobe will break off and float away into the atmosphere like a fleshy polar ice cap.)

Certainly, the man is an integral part of our televisual history and possessed with the sort of archly camp quick wit hokey hucksters like Daryl Somers can only dream of. He has played an essential role in setting the tone for Australian light entertainment, conducted countless wonderfully relaxed interviews with various celebrities, and proved himself a deft hand at inserting (oo-er Vicar, etc) double entendres "for mum and dad's enjoyment" during G-rated television without so much as the blink of a perfectly manicured eyelid.

But what, pray tell, does he really do?

Last week I had the misfortune of catching an episode of something called 20

to 1 (Tuesdays, 9.30pm on Nine); a glorified time waster of a series if ever I saw one. Hosted by Sir Bert, it idled away the better part of an hour counting down what seemed to be a hastily cobbled-together list of celebrities linked by a particular theme - in Sunday's case, "Born Rich and Famous". Between archaic paparazzi clips of said celebrities looking harried and trying to get out of their houses without biffing a photographer, the audience was treated to a never-ending procession of part-time Australian media personalities passing opinion on each and every candidate. These opinions ranged from the incisive: "I think that whatever I've read about Will and Jada Smith, they seem like very worthy parents", to the thought-provoking: "Kate Hudson is so hot. I just want to meet her", to social analysis on a par with Bertrand Russell's earlier work Proposed Roads to Freedom: Socialism, Anarchism and Syndicalism: "Ooooh, Stella McCartney! Stella Bella!!!"

Obviously I jest; the entire exercise was the intellectual equivalent of putting a pair of underpants on your head and dancing around your kitchen to the Venga Boys. Someone else's underpants. Dirty ones.

Just when you thought you'd witnessed the entire rich tapestry of semi-famous faces Australian television had to offer (Julia Morris, Kelly Landry, Annalise Braakensiek), another one rolled along the conveyor belt with yet another vapid opinion about Tori Spelling or Charlie Sheen. Even with so much filler they still did a "look back" at number 13 in case anyone had missed the first seven or perhaps slipped into a drug-induced coma. You could almost see the programmers standing next to the camera insisting those in charge should "Pad ... pad ... keep padding ... OK, you know what? Just fill the whole show up with mindless crap and hope nobody notices."

And in the midst of it all - yes - was Our Bert. Overdressed for the occasion in a shiny tuxedo and forced to deliver awful lines about rich parents "perhaps having more dollars ... than sense" he seemed uncomfortable and disinterested, like an uncle delivering a speech at a 21st having just read it five minutes before taking the microphone. Does he know or care who Brandon Lee or Moon Unit Zappa are really? Why are we shunting him from one tepid glamour-free hosting role to another instead of putting his various talents to good use? One minute he's making out with Rove for $10,000, the next he's yet again dusting off that ridiculous business with his hairpiece, then he's dressed up as a lady for an oven commercial. He has become a figure of light-hearted japery that nobody seems to know what to do with, yet nobody has the balls to step up and say: "Actually, everything Bert's done since GMA has been a bit crap. Can't we either give him something to sink his teeth into or send him off into the musical theatre wilderness amongst his 'people'?" Show some respect and take a step; this entertainment limbo is beneath us all.

mhardy@access.fairfax.com.au

© 2008 The Age

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